The unwanted
December 15, 2008
RICOCHET
Rene Ezpeleta Bartolo
The unwanted
Not long ago, a local television station told the story of an elderly couple they chanced upon.somewhere south of the city. The two, in their seventies, were sitting by themselves, ailing, inside their dilapidated hut.
The roof of the house, fashioned from coconut thatches, had caved in from the sun and the rain. The cardboard walls hardly kept out the elements and inside, in squalor and sad silence, sat the two.
The husband, suffering from various pains, could neither fix the house nor scrounge for food; so he stayed in lingering loyalty beside his sick and hungry wife.
The two sat in solitary suffering, seemingly unwanted by those who might have loved them some earlier time in their lives.
The story slowly unfolded during the week. Some strangers, prodded into pity by the television story of the sick and elderly couple, gave assistance which simply meant alms.
And people, troubled by the story and sight on the screen, asked: “Who do these poor old folks belong to?”
Who do they belong to? To nobody, except to their suffering selves.
We learned as the story unfolded that the old couple had 10 children. Where were they?
The old man and woman probably know where some of their children were but they were not telling. Perhaps, through some strange sense of protectiveness that surfaced over their solitary suffering, they wanted to spare their children from the condemnation of an enraged society.
Who are the children? Where are the children?
Perhaps, they are somewhere around living lives as deprived and destitute as their parents’ or perhaps they are busy making both ends meet to raise their own children. Perhaps, they simply do not care.
But what would drive children to stop caring for their parents? Was it some sense of hurt that has hardened into hatred? Was it some imagined injustice inflicted on them by the parents at some point in the past?
Every parent, as the old abandoned couple must have done, invests the strength and small fortunes of his youth to raise the children. This is done by different parents in varying measures, but it is done. Parenthood is both human instinct and deliberate act.
What makes a child abandon his parents to the solitary suffering of old age?
Perhaps, the child blames the parents for failing to provide him in childhood with the luxuries that other children enjoyed – costly clothes, flashy toys, or a trip to the zoo. That blame born out of envy can effectively erase whatever else the parent may have done – the food, the shelter, and the education that prepared him for life.
Is that possible? Yes, it is. It happens.
Perhaps, the child grew up with an unspoken conviction of being less loved and less cared-for, a conviction that in later years collapses into apathy and abandonment. Is this what happened to the old couple?
Parents, human as they are, play favorites, not because of any conscious choice but, oftentimes, because of a commonality of concerns with this or that child. Sometimes, a parent plays favorites as an investment for old age, believing he can spend better his last years with this or that child.
But the preference can backfire; the investment can run aground. The child who feels less loved will always remember; the favored child sometimes forgets.
A strong and happy family relationship may weaken and turn sour in later years. Bonds may be broken by the malice, meant or unmeant, by an in-law or by the indifference, intended or unintended, of the son or daughter.
Just as laws are easily broken, so is the bond with an in-law. The parent cannot expect filial loyalty – his son will always stand by his wife; his daughter, with the husband.
That is the reality that he must face in the dynamics of an extended family.
Is this what happened to the old couple? The harsh truth is, it can happen to us.
Our children, preoccupied with their lives and the families they are building, will relegate us to the periphery of their attention and affection, at some point in the convoluted course called life.
We cannot expect our children to take care of us in old age. Some may; others may not. And we cannot bet on that. It is not the duty of our children to do that.
Children who take care of their parents during old age do so, not as a matter of duty but as a matter of devotion. Devotion is freely given; it is not forced by guidelines or genes.
Rather, it is our duty to ourselves as parents and persons to provide for the failing and ailing years.
If the sad story of the old couple -- sitting solitary, sick, hungry, and abandoned inside their wreck of a house – does not happen to us, it should not be because of our children. It should be because of us.
We should be able to live our final years in dignity and, in finality, lie silent and self-respecting in our graves.
Wherever and whoever our children may be.
(For comments and reactions, e-mail: rene_bartolo@yahoo.com)
RICOCHET
Rene Ezpeleta Bartolo
The unwanted
Not long ago, a local television station told the story of an elderly couple they chanced upon.somewhere south of the city. The two, in their seventies, were sitting by themselves, ailing, inside their dilapidated hut.
The roof of the house, fashioned from coconut thatches, had caved in from the sun and the rain. The cardboard walls hardly kept out the elements and inside, in squalor and sad silence, sat the two.
The husband, suffering from various pains, could neither fix the house nor scrounge for food; so he stayed in lingering loyalty beside his sick and hungry wife.
The two sat in solitary suffering, seemingly unwanted by those who might have loved them some earlier time in their lives.
The story slowly unfolded during the week. Some strangers, prodded into pity by the television story of the sick and elderly couple, gave assistance which simply meant alms.
And people, troubled by the story and sight on the screen, asked: “Who do these poor old folks belong to?”
Who do they belong to? To nobody, except to their suffering selves.
We learned as the story unfolded that the old couple had 10 children. Where were they?
The old man and woman probably know where some of their children were but they were not telling. Perhaps, through some strange sense of protectiveness that surfaced over their solitary suffering, they wanted to spare their children from the condemnation of an enraged society.
Who are the children? Where are the children?
Perhaps, they are somewhere around living lives as deprived and destitute as their parents’ or perhaps they are busy making both ends meet to raise their own children. Perhaps, they simply do not care.
But what would drive children to stop caring for their parents? Was it some sense of hurt that has hardened into hatred? Was it some imagined injustice inflicted on them by the parents at some point in the past?
Every parent, as the old abandoned couple must have done, invests the strength and small fortunes of his youth to raise the children. This is done by different parents in varying measures, but it is done. Parenthood is both human instinct and deliberate act.
What makes a child abandon his parents to the solitary suffering of old age?
Perhaps, the child blames the parents for failing to provide him in childhood with the luxuries that other children enjoyed – costly clothes, flashy toys, or a trip to the zoo. That blame born out of envy can effectively erase whatever else the parent may have done – the food, the shelter, and the education that prepared him for life.
Is that possible? Yes, it is. It happens.
Perhaps, the child grew up with an unspoken conviction of being less loved and less cared-for, a conviction that in later years collapses into apathy and abandonment. Is this what happened to the old couple?
Parents, human as they are, play favorites, not because of any conscious choice but, oftentimes, because of a commonality of concerns with this or that child. Sometimes, a parent plays favorites as an investment for old age, believing he can spend better his last years with this or that child.
But the preference can backfire; the investment can run aground. The child who feels less loved will always remember; the favored child sometimes forgets.
A strong and happy family relationship may weaken and turn sour in later years. Bonds may be broken by the malice, meant or unmeant, by an in-law or by the indifference, intended or unintended, of the son or daughter.
Just as laws are easily broken, so is the bond with an in-law. The parent cannot expect filial loyalty – his son will always stand by his wife; his daughter, with the husband.
That is the reality that he must face in the dynamics of an extended family.
Is this what happened to the old couple? The harsh truth is, it can happen to us.
Our children, preoccupied with their lives and the families they are building, will relegate us to the periphery of their attention and affection, at some point in the convoluted course called life.
We cannot expect our children to take care of us in old age. Some may; others may not. And we cannot bet on that. It is not the duty of our children to do that.
Children who take care of their parents during old age do so, not as a matter of duty but as a matter of devotion. Devotion is freely given; it is not forced by guidelines or genes.
Rather, it is our duty to ourselves as parents and persons to provide for the failing and ailing years.
If the sad story of the old couple -- sitting solitary, sick, hungry, and abandoned inside their wreck of a house – does not happen to us, it should not be because of our children. It should be because of us.
We should be able to live our final years in dignity and, in finality, lie silent and self-respecting in our graves.
Wherever and whoever our children may be.
(For comments and reactions, e-mail: rene_bartolo@yahoo.com)
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Akokinisiangi..:: on -
murag layo na mahitabo.kay ang mga pinoy ,naay kina-iya nga buotan ug kahibalo unsay moral obligations..
na oi!!!! mao nga mag-paka buotan dyud ming mga inahan (kami dire sa Germany) sa among mga anak..kay pait ,basi ituklud ra mi sa nursing home...ngek!!!
thanks for sharing...God bless.
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Permalink Reply by Rodolfo P. Dewara on -
Subo kaayo! Pero hinumduman nato nga naa baya'y mga batas karon nga nagaprotektar sa atong mga elderly. Siguro it is also just a matter of seeking the protection of these laws, and connecting with the proper agencies of the government. That's right we can not always rely on others (mga anak nato, paryentes, o mga adopted) para mag-alaga sa ato when we get older. The right thing to do is for everyone to look forward to one's golden years, and really make provisions for all the eventualities of getting older.
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Permalink Reply by Lubi on -
"We cannot expect our children to take care of us in old age. Some may; others may not. And we cannot bet on that. It is not the duty of our children to do that."
Ang kusog, moatiman sa huyang. Ang ginikanan, moatiman sa huyang nga gamayng bata. Pagdako sa bata, mahimong tawo, kusgan, siya na pod moatiman sa ginikanan nga natigulang na, naluya na,huyang na.
Morag mao ni ang tuyok sa panahon. Ang luya kaniadto, makusgan, mao na poy moatiman.
Dili lang unta mga anak moatiman, lakip na ang katilingban. Mosulod na diha ang ang mga institusyon nga moatiman sa mga tigulang kon ang mga anak huyang gihapon sa gugma, dili makaatiman sa ilang ginikanan.
Bitaw. Daghang hinungdan nganong mohuyang ang kasingkasing, mohiyos, ug dili na mohigugma, dili na moatiman.
Subo.
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Permalink Reply by Emeberta Ambalong Nazareth on -
" kung unsa imong guitanom mao pod imo anihon" --- ingon ang pulong sa atong Guinoo.
If we plant love - we will harvest love, not only to our children but also to our community.
Its very important that we belong to a family or a community - who loves JESUS so much.
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Permalink Reply by arjo sala jumat on -
Those children reffered in the above story are very ungrateful of their old and sick parents. I hope they would have the chance to listen to the song of josh groban entiltled "you raised me up"., have they not realized that without their parents those ungrateful children are nothing? or have they not read or have known about God's commandment honoring and giving full respect to parents? I'm happy i'm not like these children, because i treat my parents next to my god!
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Permalink Reply by Emeberta Ambalong Nazareth on
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Yes, tama gyod ka ARJO, Ephesians 6:2 says" Honor your Father and Mother which is the first commandment with promise" , that it may be well with you and you may live long on earth"
Ang promise sa atong Father in heaven, --- EVERYTHING is well with you. Galisod gyod sa kinabuhi ang dili kabalo mag honor sa parents. Isa pod ni sa reason sa kalisod sa kahimtang diri sa yuta.
Tama ka arjo , sana tanan mindanaons treat their parents next to God. Ephesians 6:1 says ... Children obey your parents in the Lord for this is right.... ang ibig sabihin sa---" in the LORD" .... is next to God. Maski unsa pa man ang mga imperfection sa mga guinikanan - we are commanded by our heavenly Father to OBEY and HONOR them. May promise pa gyod.
GOD BLESS EVERYONE
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Permalink Reply by Carolina B. Balmaceda on -
hmmm... wise words, Arjo, heartwarming to hear this from a young man, your parents must be proud of you. God bless.
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